Author S. K. Nicholas

When I lost my mind, I would stay up late at night talking to a ladybird. Sat on the living room floor with a bottle of wine between my legs, it would appear and sit with me until I went to bed. I’d just broken up with my girlfriend. All my fault of course. Guilt had eaten away at my best attempts at keeping things together. Two stone dropping from my frame, I’d even shaved my head in a pathetic act of trying to redeem myself. Loneliness was overpowering. Not eating or sleeping. Too much drinking. Yet my ladybird came and kept me company while everything else was falling apart. In my maddened state, I believed it was the spirit of my dead daughter. Little Bethany coming to see me safely through the night. Wherever that ladybird came from, it taught me the gift of kindness. Of compassion. That tenderness can heal a broken soul. That guilt does nothing but drown, destroying all it touches. The ladybird would crawl over my hand. It would drink a little of the water I poured on a scrap of card. Together, we got through the worst of it. For the best part of two weeks, it would appear at the same time and take me through those dreadful hours as my blood ran thick with despair. The ladybird showed me that even in darkness, there is a light that will never go out. That even when there seems to be no escaping those inner demons, beauty is never far away. That beauty will lift even the heaviest soul back to safety. It taught me that despite everything, the smallest things are the most precious. That life is wondrous, and should never be taken for granted. I descended to hidden depths but emerged intact. These bones of mine are far from perfect, yet they feel blessed to feel the light of day. They believe in love and the magic of empathy. Cling to beauty, and leave behind everything that causes you pain. We are all only one step away from madness. It’s nothing to be feared, though. To walk through the fire shapes us into who we aspire to be. Don’t fear true reflections. Don’t be ashamed of weakness. Embrace it all. There’s a ladybird for everyone. All we have to do is open up and be honest ourselves. Shed a few tears, and feel blessed to feel anything at all. I never saw that ladybird again. But it lives on in my heart. I was once cold, not anymore.