I’m having these constant dreams where a tarantula keeps crawling from her vagina while we’re in the act of fucking. With big, thick legs, and a million tiny hairs that stand on end, they tickle my tongue unexpectedly as it glides across her sex. There has to be some meaning to it- probably something to do with a fear of women. I don’t fear women, I don’t think so, anyway, but I do fear losing my sense of identity in another relationship where I’m expected to play by the rules. Whatever it is, at the same time every night, I wake with shortened breath just at the point where it crawls inside my mouth. Leaping out of bed, sweat pours from me to the extent where it feels like I’ve taken a shower without drying off afterwards. Unable to sleep again, in part because of the horrors still flickering in my mind, and also because the bedsheets are soaking wet, I go downstairs and have a cigarette in the kitchen. Stood there in the dark, there are no sounds save for my breathing patterns. It’s unsettling, but as soon as I have something to drink, it fades away. Insomnia. Amnesia. Counting each and every one of her pubic hairs from memory, the taste of her body is almost overwhelming. It’s like pancakes washed down with cherryade or those old chewy bars they gave away with copies of the Beano. Sweet and delicious, but somehow not quite natural. Maybe that’s where the tarantula comes in. Maybe my subconscious is trying to warn me about her because my defences aren’t up to the job. I’m too suspicious for my own good, but as a failed painter/ would be writer, I’ve learned never to take anything for granted. This is the cycle I’m stuck in, and as frustrating as it is, part of me never wants it to stop, because conflict is what I crave most.
A Journal for Damned Lovers on Amazon.co.uk
A Journal for Damned Lovers on Amazon.com
Categories: Lucid
Author S. K. Nicholas 
there are always so very many things I want to say about your expressive, jaggedly raw lines, the way they punch and pull and twist. reading your work emboldens me to push my timid words more and I thank you for that
this particular piece of yours, is an amalgam of visceral imagery – stunningly vivid and beautifully uncomfortable
am
I’m flattered it made you feel such a way. In fact, I’m more than flattered. It’s an honour to have you give me those words, and I’m more than pleased they’ve had that impact on you. I hope the words continue for both of us, and that beauty is at the forefront always x
here’s to raging ‘wordly’ rivers in all directions
Right on x
Amazing
Thank you 🙂
Disturbing, because it’s true, and sucks out the subconscious pulp we’d rather not drink. I’m going to have bad dreams tonight.
Sorrynotsorry for the dreams 🙂
Dreams are what you’ve already worked out, just you don’t want to see it yet. But a spider. There?! And you don’t strike me as a play by the rules kinda person. Great piece that has me thinking. Thank you.
I hope so! I know. Spiders are my greatest fear. Even the smallest of one’s strike a nerve. Thank you for your vote of confident. It’s much appreciated and cherished. And boo to rules, too! X
yeah! 🙂
🙂 x
awesome stuff!
Thank you! X
X you are most welcome , it’s a pleasure to read your work.
I share the same sentiment concerning your own. Very much so x
Thank you, that is so encouraging and very appreciated! x
It’s well earned and deserved x
ditto! x
🙂 x
back at you! 🙂
The spider dreams…always the spider dreams! Mine are not escaping from vaginas, but terrifying nonetheless. Dear wandering man…maybe she will be a thing made up of stars after all. You’ll let us know, when you find her. Xo ❤
As much as I’d love to live in America, I don’t think I could deal with the ones you get. The size of them! Quite terrible. Perhaps she will indeed be a star girl; and I’ll be consumed by her light. Time will tell xo
It certainly is. I have no doubt she will come down from the Heavens just for you. ❤
Supposedly, spiders often represent dominant or overbearing maternal figures. You’re dreaming you’ve got your tongue in the fount of all life and a spider crawls out–taking away your pleasure in sex. Maybe you do, as you said, fear losing your identity because when fucking becomes lovemaking, I becomes we.
Wow- that’s an incredible way of putting it. I would never have seen it like that without your input. It does ring true, though. I’m quite a selfish person, and I do have a habit of backing off when a relationship steps up to the next level. Maybe my subconscious is telling me it’s time to grow up. Thank you! x
I saw in your comments that spider are your greatest fear, I have to ask, how does your cover photo for this post make you feel? 😀 Wonderful writing as always.
Thank you! 🙂 To be honest, that image is so magnified, it doesn’t bother me. But regular spiders get under my skin. I thought the older I got the more I’d get used to them- no such luck. How about you? What’s the biggest spider you’ve come across around the house?
LOL Well that’s good that the image doesn’t bother you. Where I live in Western Washington we get wolf spider that are a little bit smaller than the palm of my hand. Spiders don’t really bother me though, I typically scoop them up with paper and put them outside. That being said, I don’t particularly love them in bed with me or appreciate when they hitch a ride on me.
If we had wolf spiders here in the UK, I would move in an instant! I’ve seen videos on YouTube where people in America try to remove spiders from ceilings with bowls and vacuum cleaners only for them to fall or jump away, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end every time! You’re 100% braver than me for being able to scoop them up! 🙂
LOL Well, watch my antics if a bee comes within 5 feet of me and I will lose all of your respect.
Haha! Now bees are something I can handle. I like bees 🙂
I tolerate honey and bumble bees. That’s it, the rest can buzz straight back to hell.
Those poor little bees!
i love spiders. i am spiderwoman. 🙂
I envy you in every possible way 🙂
hahah!