I woke up this morning feeling strange.
I can’t say what my dreams were about last night, but they filled me with a terrible sickness, a sticky kind of gloom. Stumbling downstairs to make a cup of tea, my body was bereft of energy. Bones aching and feeling lifeless, I went and stood in the garden in an effort to wake myself up. Lighting a cigarette, everything was wrapped in fog. Momentarily, I wondered if I’d in fact died in my sleep and was now in the realms of purgatory. Feeling nauseas, the temptation to go back to bed steadily grew, but I decided against it. Instead, I made myself some breakfast and read yesterdays newspaper. Still ill, the gloom of my dreams continued to seep into me, drowning me in despair. I’m being melodramatic, but for a while I didn’t know what to do in order to shift it. In the end, I left the house and went for a walk around the quarry.
I didn’t want to walk the quarry. My legs ached and I had no motivation. You couldn’t see anything either due to the fog. Trudging through fields of mud, the nausea of the morning just wouldn’t shift. I felt dead, or better still, like a ghost. I saw no other living soul. It was just me and my misery.
An hour later and I was back where I started. There was no escaping the emptiness swallowing me up. Stood there smoking and cursing the mud that had splashed on my coat, I wanted to kick something in anger but there was nothing to kick. Not wanting anyone to see me having a breakdown in the middle of a field, I was on the verge of going back home when the sudden desire to walk back around the quarry took hold of me. In the ten years I’ve made the journey, not once have I ever gone anti-clockwise. There’s been no reason for this, but the longer it’s gone on, the more afraid I’ve been of doing so. But today was day I finally did it. Turning around and flicking my cigarette into a puddle, I made my way back down the path of mud and twisted branches.
And then something strange happened.
To begin with, the fog lifted almost immediately. With the sun shining down upon me in a matter of minutes, I took off my jacket and admired the view of the countryside I’ve been so accustomed to seeing over the years. Trees and blue skies in abundance, energy flooded my body leaving me feeling revitalised. With a spring in my step and my bones no longer hollow, the gloom that had haunted me just moments earlier evaporated like the fog. Smiling at the sight of rabbits and magpies as they crossed my path, my heart was soon full of an incredible desire to be happy. Looking at the beauty of nature all around me, even my fears and sadness seemed beautiful. It were as if I had been touched by the hand of God, and seeing as though I don’t believe in God, it made for a strange and magical experience. With all my doubts suddenly absent, it felt as though anything were possible; that all my dreams were tangible, ready for me to reach out and touch them with nothing in the way. Enjoying every second, I promised myself that today would be the day when I spoke the truth of all the things I’ve ever hidden away.
It would be the beginning of something wonderful.
It didn’t last though. Since then, I’ve returned to a somewhat more subdued state. It’s a shame, but enthusiasm seldom has its rewards as far as I’m concerned. I’m sure there’s a metaphor here, but for now I won’t be looking for it. Instead, I shall read a book whilst soaking in the bath. Maybe I’ll have a beer as well. After this, I’ll lay in bed and explore the lost world of yesterdays. I don’t know exactly what I’ll be looking for, but I’m certain I’ll know when I find it.
“Enthusiasm seldom has its rewards..”
I don’t know. I’m not sure that anything does, really. Everything only comes so that it can pass. I lament it when the passing thing is a good one, but I call it a mercy when the passing thing is a tragedy.
It’s all relative in the end.