Tiny Massive Hands

Sinking feelings and angel dust. Babies breath and crushed hearts. Let me swim someplace where I can be free. Let me grow my beard and be a holy man. I’m tired of everything. Of broken dreams and time travel. My feelings are invisible, lost forever in the rain. There’s nothing in me except for a mess of words and disappointment. My bones are brittle, and my soul is like the cheese you get with holes in. Haunted and subdued. Naked and nude against the horizon. Outside, there’s a wasteland just begging to be explored. I want to lose myself, to break all mirrors and float downstream. In a basket lined with red velvet, I want to drift along in the warm summer breeze and not think about tomorrow. Closing my eyes, all I want is to taste the scent of her neck and never wake up. Plucking feathers, I take diamonds from her jewelry box and swallow them. Burning my belly, they protect me from harm and bring me good luck. Upon a spiral staircase, the water splashes me as I walk untold steps. It’s raining only on me. The sky is infinite and pale, like tiny massive hands.

Slipping in and out of sleep, my eyes can’t focus on anything. I’ve no strength to talk, and I’m barely capable of writing. I don’t want to do anything. There’s no energy within my collapsing shell; I’ve been rendered null and void. Inwards like introversion. I’m a statue representing nothingness. All the non-believers worship me, and they adore my failure. Pouring alcohol at my feet, with lullabies sung in my honor. They’re all terrible, tuneless and without meaning. But that’s just how they’re meant to be. Just like me. With sharpened knives, the innocent are taught a lesson. Hung like the skinny Jesus. Worn down and destroyed. Swollen with emptiness. Like dying stars. Emerging from darkness, a glass of water makes my throat less dry, yet the nausea within me can never be quelled. It grows bigger with every passing hour. Imagine all those passing feelings, mocking and whatever like my reflection in a mirror. Stumbling from one place to the other, I fall and catch the side of my head on a table. Not moving as I lay on the carpet, my fingers search for help. None is forthcoming though. So I just lay there until I fall asleep.

Aching and joyless. Dulling like yesterday. I’m incapable of action. Riddled with infliction. Separated temporal lobes and the sensation of drowning while fully awake. All of me, the best part of me, blowing in the wind. Closing my eyes as the night grows all around, visions of all I can never have humiliate me. Dancing in a circle, all of my fears mock me as I curl into a ball wanting to disappear. There’s nowhere to hide, and as the demons come out to play, It’s only a matter of time until they get me. Struggling to breathe, I’m paralysed. I’m buried alive. Echoes of her words ringing in my ears, I’ve succumbed to misery. Sweet, dreadful misery. My vision fading, I can just about make her out. Eyes all wide and beautiful like always, she makes me smile as the nothingness of sleep comes and swallows me up.

Categories: Lucid

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