The Secrets That I Desire


Symbols and keys to soft machines and madness.


They deceive themselves whilst I suck on my cigarette. They chew themselves up as I remove her clothes and see just how lean she really is. I’m not a monster though, I’m just curious. The stars burn behind my eyes, have done for years. The outer rims of distant galaxies, whispering to me through wormholes so pure and beautiful. Blowing smoke into her face, she coughs but I’m not interested. Nothing really bothers me. She’s cute, but the sides of my chest hurt. Beer will make it better, it has to. Taking hold of a pair of scissors, I cut her hair. It looks good, but there’s something not quite right. My hands are shaking, and all she does is laugh. Lizards are crawling up the wall. They’re at my feet, sticking their tongues out. Everyone hates me. They always do their best to belittle me. This isn’t my fault, I swear.

The buildings collapse like the walls of my mind. War, always war. Be kind though. Treat them with dignity, even when you’re stamping on their useless faces. I wish I could unsee all that my eyes have seen, but there’s no going back. Not anymore. These days, the danger lurks not far at all. It creeps when you’re not looking. It attacks at will, wherever you may be. Silently, invisibly. It makes you choke, and others will laugh as you fall. You’ll lift your arms up, begging for her to save you, but it’ll be too late. She’s already gone. The colours she’s made of, oh how they once dazzled so pure. So magnificent. But now she’s gone, and there’s nothing to cling to except for cigarettes and memory. Beneath my feet, the rubble of devastation burns. All this pain and anguish, created through calamity. This landscape of nightmares, born from misguided mistakes.

Making love, fucking. Call it what you will. The coming together of two beating hearts. Lust, passion. Desire, rage. Sometimes, it gets a little rough. My hands on her throat, tightly squeezing. Inserting objects, feverishly. Heightened pleasure. The need to possess, to reduce. There’s no shame, it won’t be allowed, not by me. Tasting her saliva, my thumb slides inside her mouth. She tries to cover herself, but there’s no stopping me. I want to see everything. Every inch of flesh, spread wide before me. I make her spread herself as wide as she can, and then I lick the walls of pinky flesh she offers. It makes me feel, natural somehow. I’m hungry for secrets, for the secrets she keeps deep inside. I need to reveal all that remains hidden. And through her, it can be achieved. She’s more than a lover, and much more than just a woman. Together, we obliterate the realms of mediocrity.

They say I’m emotionally unstable. They’re right of course. But it doesn’t matter. All that matters are the things out of reach. The mysteries that keep me awake at night. The things behind the sun. The puzzles they keep from me. The symbols she speaks of, and the hieroglyphics in her belly. In fields of Β golden corn, I can feel it in the breeze. The roses that grow there, they call to me, caressing my tired eyes. In a doorway made of light, I see her laying there on the bed. Nude and bathed in moonlight. She beckons to me as clouds pass slowly overhead. Somewhere, I can hear a piano, its music drifting to me, elegantly. Sucking on my cigarette, I go ahead and close my eyes. The days escaped somehow, but I’m trying hard to get them back. My heart is warmer than before. The sparks in my soul brighter. The words bubble viciously like acid. She was the key to my madness, and she opened the door completely. The hinges ripped clean off. Layer upon layer of glass, shattered as death called my name.

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