Wednesday August 15, 2011

it’s like time doesn’t exist, it’s like everything is happening at the same moment, and it is, more or less, i guess. i heard some music and it thawed out my heart, it was the past slipping out of an ice block. those years that get behind you, they pull on those strings and make you feel so weak. decades, the prominence of loss. faith being washed down the toilet. you want to go out, reach out for something or someone that will make it all better, but then you get a hold of yourself, convinced that it’ll all be ok, but it never is. you need to make those decisions today, because if you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. and you never know, you might just end up under a bus tomorrow. i hope i don’t. i want to go in my sleep, dreaming of my history. of the sea. i want to see incredible things, i want to feel like i mean something, but those days have long since gone. i could’ve meant something once, but the chance was taken away, leaving me an empty vessel. now i’m lost. the woods my home, the woods of the mind. don’t give me no shit about plumbers, don’t talk to me of blow up dolls. those dumb fucks in magazines and newspapers, lets pray that a rain comes and washes the whole lot away. i wish that it would, i wish i were free, but the only freedom you’ll find is in the giddy haze of alcohol. it’s a dangerous place don’t you know. but the past is such a wondrous thing, it heals those wounds like you wouldn’t believe. it makes you think that nothing bad ever happened and that you can save yourself in an instant. those eyes, that smile. the touch of a lover. but all there is, is anxiety. breathe it in, press your lips against it, and hope that you can be saved. tristessa and forever, always.

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