Dead Lovers

SP_A0023

It starts with an absence of light. Dead lovers with their arms holding you tighter and tight. The shame on my face makes it easy to see, even when no one else is looking. In fact, it’s always so much harder when no one else is looking. Walking through fields of trees, nature makes me feel inadequate, and even when I tell it that I’m nature too, my defence isn’t good enough. You bring me close then let me go. Kept at arms length and only needed when things fall apart like they usually do. It’s the only thing I can muster, so I write how you make me feel. I put the words down sober. I put the words down drunk. I put them down alone, and I put them down alone with others. There’s no point in pretending now, I’m old enough to give up the pretence. There’s a science to dreams and love. The two are tied together, and they can never be untangled. I don’t want to try and decipher them, all I want is to lose myself in their magic. Dedicated to wonder, and to feelings I have no control over. Amputate my guilt. Rid me of what it is that makes me so ashamed at doing what makes me feel alive. Turning on my side as the night watches through the window, regret grips me and wont let go. Choking on remorse, the urge to run is almost overwhelming. If morning never comes, then what happens to all those words I never had the chance to say. What happens if I go before I can make a difference. All those lips that were never kissed. All those memories of being the centre of the universe with another damaged soul. So many wasted days. So many wasted years not knowing which way to turn. Too much hurt, and too many moons spent being numb and indifferent. With damaged hearts bleeding on the horizon, let me be who I need to be. Let me skirt the edge of reason, and set myself free. If you want, you can join me. All you have to do is sever those ties. Cut them one by one, and swim with me in state of being that can never be described. It’s not difficult, it just takes time. Keep the faith. Keep the fire. Say you’re fine, and wrap yourself around me until sleep takes us home.

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