Something More



The days disappear. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I don’t look any older, yet I know I am. Thirty-one years, gone. Thousands of days escaped, along with thousands of dreams. With nothing to show except regret, there are times when it all gets too much. Writing. Love. The taste of beer as I gaze up at the sky searching for my favourite star. All those paths that were never taken, and all those that were. The lovers I’ve been with, and the ghosts they became. Years spent going through the motions, doing little more than silently squirming within my skin. It takes guts to believe in something that can’t be seen, even more so when you’re not even sure it exists. The silence only increases my doubts. It eats away, mocking at every opportunity. There’s something out there, though, I’m sure of it. Something that others can’t see, and as long as there’s air in my lungs, I’ll try my best to find it. Money means little to me, as does social acceptance. As long as I mean what I say, that’s all I can do. If others believe in my words, that’s all the motivation I need. It’s such a mess at times, and yet it always feels beautiful. Even the pain and desperation, it makes me feel alive in a world so obsessed with snuffing out all traces of wonder. To build your life around something that has no currency is a death wish. It’s horrified so many that have known me, yet they haven’t known me, not really. They see how I look, and they claim to know my heart, yet all they want is to fit in, to become like others. Maybe one day I’ll sell books, but it’s not about money or success, it’s about being honest and touching the lives of others who feel the same way. To reach out and hold hands with someone who looks beyond what is known. This reality is bunk. I’m after something more.

5 replies »

  1. “It takes guts to believe in something that canโ€™t be seen, and even more when youโ€™re not even sure it exists.” – SO true!
    The rest is brilliance, it’s exactly how I feel. Exactly. x

  2. So this is one of the longest messages you will possibly ever receive (grin); therefore, please do not feel obligated to reply. I have spent a great deal of time reading your posts and I have to give voice to something. In your writing I see strength, determination, honesty and quite frankly raw emotion. In one of my first messages to you I expressed that you remind me of someone in terms of your expression in writing – and yet, you are unique. The similarities are uncanny in terms of family, children, love, experiences, right down to your photo here, and cancer.

    The love of my life does battle every single moment, for a single moment more, fighting cancer. He use to blog here on wp before it became too much, but his creativity and writing were and remain absolutely captivating; but this message isn’t really about him, it’s about you.

    You allow yourself to be vulnerable in your writing; saying things just like they are, no sugar coating…raw is always the first word that comes to mind when I read your work, followed by vulnerable; and that is meant as a compliment. It is a privilege for a reader to be invited into another souls thoughts and heart. You spoke of leaving your mark in terms of writing, you’ve done that. I wonder if you know that you’ve already succeeded?

    Anyways, I am rambling. My point is that all the raw emotion you allow to bleed upon these pages is what creates such a connection with readers. I know you blog through pain and I admire and respect that. The friends that I have made here via wp astound me in terms of their compassion, understanding, love and support – but the greatest gift for me is being able to mirror that, reflecting it in all I offer to friends here. In one of our exchanges you said something to the effect of thank you for believing, and my response was, always believing, because I do. Short story long (grin), anything is possible (miracles and healing happen), meanwhile keep writing, what you are engraving on hearts matters.

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