I’m looking out the window feeling the hand of death upon my shoulder, and it wants me to see how thin the line is between life and unbecoming. Gripped by an acute sense of fear, there’s nothing I can do. Paralysed by the visions that play out before my eyes, the endless darkness, it’s right there before me. I’m so close to dying that I can feel how cold it is. I want to get away, to retreat to safety, but there’s nowhere to go. No one to help. I can’t move. My heart slows down, my breathing shorter by the second. The hand of death, it’s caressing me. If I give myself to the void, there’ll be no more pain. No more tears. The struggle of living, of trying to be happy in a world that doesn’t care, will no longer have meaning. Just give in. Give yourself to me, it says, and I’ll take you away from this place. The mysteries I hold, will be yours in the blink of an eye. Everyone dies in the end. All the ones you love and hate will be dead one day. All the dreams you have in your heart; all the memories that give you strength. All roads and opportunities- each and every one will evaporate. Why not save yourself the pain then, and give yourself now. The years will be long, and who knows the suffering you’ll have to endure. The tears you’ll cry, and the demons inside. Save yourself. Take my hand, and I’ll lead you away from the horrors of living to a place of safety. To a place where you’ll never have to suffer again.
But I can’t let it take me, not just yet. There’s too much love in my heart. Too many words I need to speak. I know the sorrows of the world will drown me, but I need to carry on. Despite the terrors of being alive, the beauty of life is too delicate to turn away from. The souls who shine bright deserve more than that. They deserve the truth of what I am, the love that’s hidden deep within. The agony of merely existing can be too much to bare, but I can’t abandon beauty- even if it destroys me each and every time. And I think of every time I’ve been lost. Every memory of having no one to turn to, of having no one to help me when the world got too much. The sorrow that’s overwhelmed, that’s reduced. The sadness that has driven me to the depths of despair. The loneliness that’s wrapped itself around my bones. The days spent laying in bed not knowing what to do, too scared to move. All those moments when the scariest thing possible hasn’t been the thought of dying, but the idea of living. The sadness of life so overwhelming, that to give up would’ve been the easiest thing imaginable. But for all the horrors and pain, I won’t allow the days to escape. There’s something out there, and it needs me to carry on. One day, I’ll turn my face to the sun, and I’ll thank God I’m alive.