As she sticks out her tongue and tastes the ashes that fall like snow, I’m knocking back a glass of beer admiring the scorched grass that stretches as far as the eye can see. In the back of my mind, I imagine what she would look like in the nude with her legs above her head. She thinks I’m this great poet; this writer of beauty and loss, but in my dirty heart, I’m just a sleaze. Come the evening; I’ll ask all the right questions and act the gentleman, but with every glass of wine she downs, I’ll be smiling like The Cheshire Cat at the prospect of what will follow. With every inch she comes closer, I’ll be picturing her body beneath mine, dripping with sweat and agreeable to my every whim. As we share a cigarette, I pretend there’s an insect in her hair and offer to remove it. Reaching out, my fingers caress her locks, and she looks at me and smiles. If you were to ask what I wanted most, it would be to come inside of her. But at the same time, I want to be by her side in the hours that follow; to caress her belly and breathe in her scent as she sleeps oblivious to my watchful eyes. I want to possess her, and yet I want to worship her, in the same way I’ve worshipped so many that went before. Maybe this time, I won’t fuck things up, because let’s face it, I’ve made a mess of every relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve even made a mess of the ones that existed solely in my head; such is my ability to ruin a good thing. Picturing her hips against mine, the night air tastes of seaweed, and I’m not sure why. Bedfordshire is miles from the sea, but even so, it frightens me. One of my greatest fears other than dreams of spiders scuttling from a lover’s vagina is anything that reminds me of the depths of the ocean. Strange really, because I’ve spent my entire adult life wanting to return to the waters of my mother’s womb. It’s a duality that picks away like a needle in the arm of an addict. There’s no point in dwelling, though. All I can do is make her mine and feed her toast in the morning to ease her hangover. Mine will be worse, but that’s okay.