Lights

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There are no lights, only the smoke that drifts through the open window and the ever present fear of cancer. Sometimes testicular, sometimes bone and marrow. There are no lovers, either, only phantoms and mouths that beg to be kissed in the early hours of the morning, only when you go to kiss them, you realise they’re not real, and you can’t get back to sleep so you just lie there wondering what it would be like to go blind. Sometimes, you abuse yourself thinking of a woman who you’d love to hold in your arms and spoon, but the rest of the time, you’re trying to get your head around dying, but it just won’t work. It shouldn’t be anything to fear, because when it takes you away, you won’t know a thing. You won’t be. In a state of unbecoming for billions of years, you gasp for air, and then the darkness takes you back again. In an instant, we live, and then it’s over. Why can’t it last forever, though? Why can’t we keep killing time until there’s no time left to kill? Why doesn’t anything seem to fit the way it used to? There are, of course, no answers. One day, I shall be no more, and it will be both a disaster and a blessing. To escape from pain shall be a victory, but to never again feel the sun on my face makes me quake with fear. To never again walk through the streets in a state of turmoil while trying to balance the forces of the past and present- yeah, it brings on palpitations until I’m curled into a ball beneath a bush in someone’s front garden- but it’s all so beautiful. Head in hands, and tongue between teeth, there’s only failure and the wish to be like those around me who seem so indifferent to everything save for how they look in the eyes of others. Why couldn’t I have been made that way instead of the wreckage I resemble? Oh, let me be like them, just let me be anything other than this.

21 replies »

  1. I feel it, all of it, and especially the end today. Sometimes it just feels like life would be so much easier if we were drones, sometimes I want to be one of them. The feeling always passes quickly but when I’m in its throes, it’s really all I want, just for an easy life (and mind) Anyway, amazing writing as usual x

    • I agree. It’s like in the novel 1984; I’m rooting for Winston, and yet part of me is like, ‘wouldn’t it be easier to just be brainwashed like the rest of them?’ When I see others around me wrapped up in their petty little schemes, I wish I were like that as well. But try as I might, it never works. Kinda how this whole writing thing came about, really. Thank you Nathalie for making me feel less alone and strange x

      • It’s so weird you should mention 1984, I first read it when I was a teenager and even then I was conflicted exactly as you describe.
        And you are not alone and you are definitely not strange, the drones are the ones who are strange 😉 x

      • Have you seen the film starring Richard Burton and John Hurt? The soundtrack (supplied by Eurythmics) is one of my favourite pieces of music, and one I enjoy writing to. Helps get those sullen creative juices going. I’m glad you think so 🙂 x

      • Yes, I have! I’m so chuffed to know you write to the soundtrack (which is great), it’s going to be playing in my head now whenever I read your stuff – the image is fixed forever 😉 x

      • Ooh, you like it too! My favourite tracks are the last two. Perfect to write to when I’m looking for that sullen edge. I’m glad you’ve got that image in your head. It’s the best I could ask for x

  2. I really like this look into life and death. The release from suffering and pain, the specter of never waking to a sunrise, hearing a bird song, just gone from the beauty of the world…and the ugliness. Well done.

      • I have decided it is, the very thought of not seeing or hearing the Stones again keeps me hanging on.:) Seriously, it’s a cliffhanger sometimes…but got to go with the flow, might miss something really great! xx

      • There are two things that make me want to stick around until I’m over a hundred. The first is the constant discoveries that have been made in space exploration- think of being alive when they find life on mars! Think when they find life on an exo-planet! Or receive communication from an unknown source! The second, well, it’s far less poetic, but I’m a massive fan of computer games, and the thought of not playing on them ever again is enough to send the fear of god into me 😉 xx

      • Oh, I get that! Did you hear they found a new planet 23 trillion miles from here, within our galaxy circling its on star. I am so excited. I don’t play computer games but I am into film noir, though sometimes that is enough to make one off themselves (as in die :). xx

      • Yes! It’s only four light years away, which is pretty much nothing in the grand scheme of things. Proxima Centauri is the star, I think. And there’s some businessman who reckon he’s created a new form of space travel that could see us sending a probe there with the next few decades- and not the thousands of years it would’ve been with current technology! How exciting 🙂 xx

      • It seems we are discovering something new and exciting every day! I know there must be other life out there somewhere.xx:)

      • about 6 times,lol! So freaky, the big alien bugs. A militaristic future…with giant bugs. Yay! 🙂

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