Go for a drive someplace where you’re not known, like the lonely roads you haven’t seen since the years of your youth. From afar, the reservoir glistens like a dream, as do the canals and windows of all those buildings that are slowly sinking into the ground inch by inch, year after year. The way your headlights play hide and seek among the trees. The way you pull into a layby and touch yourself while drinking vodka. It’s sad and it’s seedy but all the same, it’s liberating in ways no one else could know. You don’t believe in God, per se, but you know there’s something, and whenever you’re far removed from the presence of others, you can feel it calling to you through the silence on nights such as these. Do you remember those toys people would stick on the inside of their cars? They were all the rage when I was a kid back in the early 90’s. Fluffy things that resembled Garfield with suckers on their hands and feet you would lick before pressing against the window. On childhood trips to the seaside, there would be row after row of stools and shops selling these things along with other such tat. It makes me smile to think of those days now, just the same as it makes me smile imagining you looking up at the moon so cherub-faced and wide-eyed. It’s weird, isn’t it? Y’know, how time keeps drifting from our hands before coming back and kissing us on the neck. Weird and strange. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. Truth be told, you don’t mean as much to me as you used to, but you’re with me at all times, and in the quiet hours when nothing else exists, you are more than a lover in ways I would never have guessed. Is it spiritual? Or a symptom of mental illness? Personally, I hope it’s both. Taking another swig from your bottle, you screw the cap back on and place it in the glovebox before sitting there with both hands on the steering wheel. You’re a long way from home, but where is that exactly? Is it in the bed of the one you’re sleeping with right now, or is it in a place you haven’t stepped foot in for years? Or is it out there, somewhere among the fields and rivers you find yourself drawn to at the same time each evening? In silence, you keep your gaze hoping deep down there will be a day when at long last you’ll find what you’re looking for.

A Journal for Damned Lovers on

A Journal for Damned Lovers on

10 replies »

  1. I do this all the time (minus the voddie) but I don’t have a place where I feel truly alone, apart from when I’m out in my car. I like going to places I haven’t been before. I want to discover things I haven’t discovered before too.

    I laughed – out loud – when I read the bit about Garfield. And this bit “There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you. Truth be told, you don’t mean as much to me as you used to, but you’re with me at all times, and in the quiet hours when nothing else exists, you are more than a lover in ways I would never have guessed.” because you told my story again. Never thought I OWNED that feeling, but always funny to read that someone else has. 🙂 Thank you Stephen. (I like typing your name because it used to be mine…before marriage, not in the surgical sense). x

    • You know, I thought you were hitting me with one hell of a revelation there 😉

      It warms my heart that you have these feeling, too. I think people so often bury this stuff and keep it from others because they’re scared at showing weakness, but this stuff is the only stuff that matters. These emotional seeds are magical, and they should be cultivated and cherished, not withheld x

  2. My youngest ‘child’ is 18 and it’s been a long time since we went to camping to Holland, but somewhere in the boot of my car there’s an ugly green frog (the campsites mascot) who used to reside on the back window of the car – whose suckered feet have long since unsuckered. Made me smile at the memory though.

  3. I love this. I grew up in the country and took me years to find a peaceful spot that feels like the old outlook I use to visit as a teenager. In the back window of my mercury topaz use to sit a stuff cat that a friend, who always wanted to be more, had left me. The spot in the city has been my save grace on some days. Espelically when I just need to get lost in my thoughts and watch the sunlight dance on the water or through the trees.

    • I think the country is a wonderful place to find yourself in. Nature is good for the soul. It doesn’t bullshit you, nor does it have any hidden agendas. I’m glad you have a certain spot you can get lost in. We all need that place where there’s nothing or no one else to get in the way x

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