Versions/Doors

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Peeking through an open door, we sit in the park making plans reading magazines that tell us how things will be but things never quite plan out that way, because that’s life, right? We could be angry about how it turned out, but shit happens to everyone, and whether we like it or not, it’s just how it is. I was once a man, but now I’m a writer, which is something both infinitely worse and more impressive at the same time. There were moments when I was a lover, but now, now I’m not quite sure what’s going on with me at all. There are so many words and emotions and truths, and yet I’m not real, I’m an abstraction. A distortion of someone I may or may not once have been. Is it still possible that I’m the one sat with you in that park? Or has he evaporated into nothingness? Which version happens to be writing these words, and how do I figure out to make it all better? Sometimes, sometimes the question motivates me, and then there are days when I can’t be bothered at all, and I just lie in bed until noon struggling to overcome some useless hangover not bothered if the world burns or keeps on turning. Sometimes I think about us, and just us. Us in bed. Us walking through an autumnal field discussing how one day we’ll be buried together side by side and then us eating our fish and chips grinning because our bellies are full and the moon shines on us and us alone. It’s all lunacy, and yet such lunacy prevents one from giving up and becoming like those that claim to have it all figured out. Such fucks should be pissed upon the same way you piss upon those cakes in a urinal while drunk and barely able to stand yet alive because although you’re fucked at least you’re not like them. And don’t ever become like them. Don’t ever surrender. No matter how much life drags you down, don’t ever stop wanting to do things your way, because your way is the only way. This door, it slowly closes on me, and yet it remains open. They’re always open. And you’re always on the other side.

A Journal for Damned Lovers Volumes 1 & 2 on Amazon.co.uk

A Journal for Damned Lovers Volumes 1 & 2 on Amazon.com

13 replies »

  1. Who you are based off of you, that, is what’s most important, we often get too much into define ourselves based off of the various roles we take up in this life, and that, is how we all eventually, lose sight of who we really are.

  2. I had to read this again. Telling you how well you write would just be repeating myself. This was another write that that I truly enjoyed and made me feel a little sad at the same time. You know how that feels like right? It’s like you enjoy something but almost immediately feel guilty about enjoying it. There were parts that made me smile, parts that made me sad, but all in all, I sighed the entire time, mostly. And it would be injustice to your fine pen if I didn’t tell you how well you keep the reader hooked from the get go till the finale, which in this case just was the moment where I let out the loudest sigh. Brilliant writing, Nicholas!

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