Hanging onto the curtains with both hands, she felt her legs turn to jelly, and although she did her best to stay upright, sure enough, she soon fell down. With fresh sunlight washing over her body, she curled into a ball, and there on the floor she sobbed. She sobbed until there came wave after wave of stomach cramps that caused her to wretch and heave and snort. It was a humiliating thing, and even though no one else could see, she pinched herself out of frustration and banged her head against the floor for being so stupid. It hurt but she didn’t stop, and with each dull thud as her skull hit the imitation wood panelling, she felt as though the pain was her just deserts for pushing away the only man she had loved as much as her father. After a time, she felt as though she might faint, but she didn’t stop banging her head, nor did she cease pinching the back of her left hand. She did so until blood trickled out of her body the same way as her tears. She wasn’t fond of the sight of blood, so she averted her gaze, and yet she could feel it flowing over her skin, clinging to her wrists like the black ink of her tattoos. The pain felt better than being numb, for an absence of feeling was the worst horror of all, and yet it wasn’t much of a consolation. She was a stupid bitch who ruined everything she touched. This is what she said to herself, over and over again. Sometimes you could make out the words, and other times it was impossible to make out anything at all for she was crying so hard. In the gaze of the open window, she may not have realised it, nor believed it, but she was changing into something beautiful and taking the first steps at earning her wings. Amid the cursing and the bleeding and the sound of her skull bouncing off the floor, one version of X was making way for another. Outside, the animals had gathered on the lawn beneath her window, and one by one they made their way up to catch a glimpse of the sad little girl who would one day be as magical as them.
A Journal for Damned Lovers UK
A Journal for Damned Lovers US
Categories: Lucid
Author S. K. Nicholas 
Sometimes, we just, get trapped, and couldn’t find our ways out of the darkness, and, if we allowed the darkness to take us over, not rejecting, or fearing it, we will soon be able to, come back out onto the surfaces again.
Sometimes we need to be broken down and ripped apart so that we may come back stronger and more at one with ourselves.
“Long is the way
And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light”
truly poignant!
Thank you, my friend.
“She was a stupid bitch who ruined everything she touched. This is what she said to herself, over and over again. Sometimes you could make out the words, and other times it was impossible to make out anything at all for she was crying so hard.”
I get her. This touched me so much. x
The more I write about X, the more I fall in love with her. She’s full of magic for sure x
For me, the humiliating part of crying was what I can most relate to. Even though no one sees you, you may still feel stupid for crying. Which is also a stupid feeling, and yet…
Knowing how weak we are in those situations can be so shameful. Even away from the eyes of others, the tears stain us more than words and reputation combined.
And yet it’s simple: we’re sad, so we cry. Why should we be hard on ourselves over a natural thing? As if we don’t have enough problems already.
Love, B.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where to show emotion and to be vulnerable is seen as being ‘weak’. It’s almost as if such sensitivities were a fault in one’s character x
That’s true. We have taken the wrong road and I don’t think we can find a way back.
I guess it’s the role of the artist to fly the flag and show that it’s okay to be this way 🙂
I like the way you think!
I found myself wishing I could express feelings with the same passion as you describe in X and simultaneously being glad I have no need to. This was absolutely beautiful. As always, expertly expressed through your words. ❤
That’s ever so kind of you. It pleases me immensely knowing you feel this way. I find X to be such a delicate creature, and yet for all her sadness, her passion and sense of feeling make the world a better place ❤
I agree and think a person such as X would be an exceptional reminder to others that it’s not the end of the world if you fall apart. All the better to piece yourself together again; slowly skewing your id.
Anywho, love your work and I’ve got a couple to catch up on. 😊
Thank you ever so much. That really does mean a great deal to me 🙂
X has become a hero of mine. She’s real in every sense, and more natural than I could ever hope to be.