These nights bring nothing but stillness. Stillness in the leaves, and stillness drifting with the breeze. They ache of loneliness, yet their beauty is glorious. Soft like bedsheets and sand. Numb and confused. Floating through time and memory. My clothes slipping from my tired body, the haze of autumn days calls to me through the window. Sweet, like holy water. Women, dancing with abandon. Limbs golden, and whispering in fluid tongues of sunshine. My eyes struggle to stay open, even though the music is so gentle. Lighting a cigarette, I grab my balls and think of a pretty girl who sways in the hushed corners of my mind. She smiles, and she hypnotizes. Her lips so delicate, I imagine what they taste like as I crumble to the floor in a mess of abstract fear.
These days will make me. Despite the odds, they will strengthen my bones. They will test my resolve, and push me through the fire. All those lost yesterdays, not mourned, but celebrated. All those lost lovers, not lost, but worshiped. No regrets, only steps on a journey, wonderful and obscure. All those wasted hours, not wasted, but a test of my endurance. I could have given up. Yet even when everything seemed hopeless, I never gave up hope. Even when I had nothing to hope for, hope didn’t desert. Through blind belief and stupidity, I carried on. It was only a matter of breathing. Yet there are times, when to even breathe, seems like too much. It had to be done though. These steps have to be walked, even when they appear to be leading nowhere. Walk the walk, and the rest will follow.
The years come and go, like faces in the crowd. Sometimes you’ll forget who you are. Sometimes, you’ll forget what you wanted in the first place, and you’ll lose sight of what matters. Doubt will knock you down. Dreams will drown, and you’ll bow down to the mundane. Others will tell you to give yourself up. Banish the craziness, and become someone with modest ambition. Wear a suit, look handsome in a pretty job. Leave that madness by the side of the road, and join in the orgy of boredom, and of course, b-b-b-banility. Replicate others. Stop playing the fool, and become a fearful little machine like the rest. Surrender to money. Surrender to the blueprint of modern life. Let the boot stamp you into submission. Let others win in breaking your spirit. Rendered useless with no creation, you’ll waste away and become another ghost. That’s what happens, when you don’t stay true to yourself. When others take charge of your destiny, they’ll play it safe for you. Because safety, is just too damn easy.
But, that’s never going to happen to you.
No matter what the odds, and how fucked up and lost you seem, if it’s in your heart, then go for it. You’ll be dead soon anyway. Be mad. Let the craziness win. Get lost, and find yourself. Drink too much. Smoke too much. Lose friends and alienate people. Have lovers curse your name and wish you dead. Tip-toe on the edges of society. Disappear. Dissolve. Let the tears fall, and suffocate in melancholy. Feel empty, stop eating. Lose weight. Be alone. Be alone, and shine bright. A star in the darkness, beyond the understanding of all those around you. Swim in a sea of dreams. Wander through the streets at night, and know there’s no one quite like you. That despite all the problems and pain, there’s no one who comes close to possessing the vigor that flows within your veins. You’re a mess, but you’re more beautiful than words. Live the life that you deserve. Not the one that others think you should live. Piss on self doubt, and dance like you mean it. Dance the dance of life. What have you got to lose?