Smile

the_shining_5

 

I didn’t do much this weekend. Didn’t even change my clothes. Sat there reading and smoking; the larks called to me, but I ignored them. My dad was sprawled out on his bed upstairs. The cancer hasn’t spread, so there’s no need to remove half his face. His back troubles him, however, and reduces him to that of a mere mortal. I take him food and drink, provide him with a little conversation to take his mind off things. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. I’m trying nonetheless. My relationship with B has broken down. My fault, no arguing that. My writing got in the way, but there was other stuff too. That vital ingredient, it was lacking. We holidayed and bickered. She’s too young for me. I’m too selfish. Too far away from what a lover should be. Love comes and goes, but vision is limitless. As I sit here plagued by headaches and idle hands, I wonder how things will pan out. Depression gets in the way, but it means nothing to me. Laziness is harder to deny, but it’s a part of me that I can’t escape from. There’s a car alarm ringing somewhere. I lock the front door just in case. In the end, we’re all just soft machines. Nothing more, nothing less. You can bring God into it if you like, but I’d rather you keep him out. Life is a fine line. A delicate balance between here and now. Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. Drinking tea while looking out the window into the back garden, my mind drifts to places and faces from my past. Beauty surrounds me; it always has done. It’s offset by horror, but it always wins me over. No matter how much this life drags me down, I know I’m privileged to be here. The air in my lungs may be tainted, yet I breathe it in all the same. This town that keeps me, it might be the arsehole of the world, but those long since dead would give anything to be in my shoes right now. A speck of dust in a pool of infinite terror, we were given the chance to see with open eye, so stop fucking moaning, and be what you want to be. Let go of those useless voices, and embrace what makes you happy. If it drives you mad, then so be it. If it leaves you an outcast shunned by society, then so be it. Who gives a shit. Break those mirrors, and sever those ties. Do what you desire before death grabs hold and pulls you under for good.

2 replies »

  1. I have known you for – give or take a few months – twenty years now. When two people have known each other for the same amount of time as a person can be alive and legally drink, drive, vote and fuck… that’s intimidating.

    Ultimately though, nothing has changed in two decades. Whether you smile or cry you won’t do it alone.

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