Stay Beautiful

blue2

In the humdrum hours when the faces around me become wallpaper, there’s little to get excited about. The banality of other souls; when the sex on display is nothing more than cheap glitter. It weighs heavy on my heart that the things that give others pleasure make me feel nothing but alienated. The drives and desires that should make me happy produce only headaches and forced smiles. The endless routines, the piss poor outcomes. Day after day, hour after hour. There must be more to life, than mirroring everyone else. The belief that climbing the social ladder means you’re making the most of yourself. That to be successful in your office job, means you’ve achieved something. The conquest of money, of fine homes and holidays in the sun. It drains me to think that this is it. That life has been reduced to such a dreadful blueprint. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but it’s something more than this. Love for sure is what I’m after, but there’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s always been out of reach. There’s something out there for me; I’ve felt it my whole life. A destination, some kind of enlightenment. A moment when everything makes sense. Maybe it’s writing. Maybe writing will help me understand who I am. Maybe the day I know myself, will be the day I find my soul.

Self-obsession is the key. I curse those around me who love their reflection, yet I’m in love with the idea that I’m here to serve a greater purpose. That in itself is dangerous. To think like that means I surely must believe in some form of higher power, some kind of God. Fate maybe? Predetermined futures? Fuck knows. But I can’t shake it, no matter how absurd the idea. To believe that my voice should be of importance makes me sound like an egocentric maniac, yet I know that my voice, my real voice, needs to heard. This isn’t my real voice, not quite. I’m trying to be sensible here. Trying to sound coherent despite the turbulence in my mind. My real voice is where I lapse into dreams and nightmares, where the walls are broken down, and nothing is tangible. That’s where I feel alive. Where I feel real. When I write like that, I never know where it will take me. All control is given up. I’m never in charge when the feelings within me come to the surface. I’m just a vessel to an energy I have no comprehension of. A force way beyond my grasp. It’s part of my core, of what makes me, me. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to identify it. Maybe I’ll understand what drives me to behave the way I do. Or maybe I’ll just never know.

All I can do is push forward. Trust myself. Believe in what I preach. That’s easier said than done. But when you only get one shot at living, why not do things differently to those around you? Why not stand firm and live life on your terms? Stay true to who you are, even if it means falling adrift of your generation. Of becoming a failure in the eyes of those who thought you could’ve become so much more. Instead, become something that others dare not. Be something that others are afraid of, simply because they don’t have the guts to step out of line. Oh those ordinary, boring lines that have been marked for each and every one of us. Safety lines. Nauseating and dull. Outlines and moulds, which too many never feel the urge of breaking simply because through fear of what they will find on the other side. They just keep on looking at their mirrors and marvelling at what they see. But that just isn’t me. Walk a different road. Scrape off the doubters and hollow souls and turn your face to the sun and know that you’ve become so much more than anyone ever thought possible. Stay true to who you are. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever do.

77 replies »

  1. I love this. There is something more and I’ve felt it. The madness. The bliss. To be in touch with your whole being, to feel your soul and to let it guide you – it’s a beautiful thing. No worry. No fear. Pure love. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture it. It’s so very elusive. The only way to find it is to look within. It can be lonely, but it’s what matters. I also think writing and getting in touch with your voice can be so helpful, and clearly you are a gifted writer, so thanks for sharing!

    • I’m glad I touched a chord with you. It’s sad that what brings us the purest pleasure also brings so much pain and loneliness, but it’s worth it every step of the way no question. To feel truly alive, to know that you’re experiencing so much ‘magic’, is a deeply satisfying feeling. Once you become aware of it, there really is no way back. I guess it must be akin to finding God, that feeling of stumbling upon that ‘high power’.. Thank you for your comments šŸ™‚

  2. I struggle for this. To be in touch with who I am. Ever since the death of my father its hard to connect and it is just getting harder every year. Thank you though – I will do my best. I think blogging is a great way of doing that.

  3. I’m astonished and I marvel at how easily you mould alphabets, an accidental discovery, into words than help me find my way inside myself , like a maze, like a ladder (out of the abyss or into it?) Real-er than normal conversations with most of the people.
    Its true that there is definitely more to life than surviving it but i couldn’t help and wonder if peace is what you’re looking for. I certainly hope you find it my friend. When the dust is calm and settled and you find your higher purpose, you’d change lives.

    Reading this changed me. Thankyou.

    • Thank you for these words, they mean a lot to me. I too hope that once the dust settles, everything will be so much clearer. Until then though, all you can do is keep going, and doing things the ‘right’ way. Take care my friend.

  4. totally and completely relate to everything in this post and this is where my mind is too today. Though thankfully not every day because then life would truly be unbearably exhausting

  5. Endless introspection becomes a hall of mirrors with nothing in it. Once you find a spirit of giving–of doing instead of thinking, and a hand of mercy for those who are sad, hurt or poor, you’ll find that the search for self is rather empty. Try, as a thought experiment, writing your thoughts without ever using the words “I” or “me.” Force your viewpoint outward. Then you will find God, as a concrete truth, and not as a feeling. Happy Easter.

  6. Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Supposed Disease Free Mind and commented:
    This is a must read for anyone who feels like they’re blindly making their way through life, while constantly looking for something that is missing or that there should be something more to their lives. I know I’ve felt this way many times in the past, and this blogger has encompassed it in a way I never could.

  7. I love this. It’s how I increasingly feel as I grow older. I’m not doing what I want to do I’m doing what I am made to think is the thing to do and that makes me sad. I try to teach my children the value of being them and not conforming to what everyone around them is and it causes them issues and they struggle but ultimately they are happier and more confident because they are making themselves unique. i love that my super intelligent son gets detention nearly every day because he challenges the way he is taught and what he is taught, I like that he steps out of the box frequently but with respect and that it causes frustration to the point of him being seen as ‘difficult’. I love that he is the smartest kid in the year but has the most detentions without ever being naughty. We get caught up on this “should be done like this” sometimes its so liberating to throw away the instructions and try to make the flat pack furniture your own way.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. Your son sounds incredibly bright, not to mention gifted. I’m sure he’ll grow up to lead a wonderful and meaningful life. Specially with your encouragement! It’s a rare thing to have a parent telling their child that it’s okay to be different, that it’s okay to go against the grain. I hope you take a leaf out of his book šŸ™‚

      • I definitely learn more from them than I do from me! What goes around comes around I guess, I taught them the lessons I should have been taught and now they’re reteaching them to me as adults/near adults. Life’s a great cycle.

  8. Wow, this is very beautiful indeed. I too sometimes have the same feeling of loneliness that comes from not seeking the conventional life of those around me. However, any fleeting feeling of sadness is much lighter than the wieght of knowing you are living a lie and repressing who you really are. Congratulations for daring to be true to yourself. We have the whole of our lives to look for answers we may never find, but the adventure can be as beautiful as it can be heartbreaking. One day we’ll probably even wonder why we spent so much time searching, when so much happiness already lay just before our eyes. Relish every moment of this life, whatever it may mean to you. The more I look for answers, the more I find questions, but life is about discovering and creating your own definitions.

    Congratulations for sharing a beautiful piece of your soul xx

    • Wow, this can be nothing short of a blessed coincidence for this is exactly what I needed to read today, right now. Your words echo the chaos that goes in my heart and head as I struggle to find out the purpose, sometimes it seems so near and at others I know not where.

      • Absolutely, but that is why we have to have blind faith. Faith in absolutely anything, even if it just means knowing that we are being true to who we are. I feel the same at the moment too, but I just know that there will come better times. Some people have the capacity to feel emotions very intensely indeed; I’m one of them and I think you are too. On a bad day, just remember that to be able to feel confusion, pain and loneliness so accutely also means that you can feel happiness, joy and pleasure to the same intensity. The latter are never as far away as you think. In the meantime, please keep directing your energy into these beautiful pieces of writing, that reflect what others don’t dare to express. Love to you xx

    • That’s wonderfully put! I couldn’t agree with you more šŸ™‚

      I think it’s such a shame everyone tries to be like everybody else. Stand up and be true to who you are. I know it’s easier said than done, but take the risk. Go out on a limb and know what it feels like to be truly alive! Like you said, it’s all about discovery and adventure! x

      • Absolutely! I think the real risk is NEVER daring to be yourself. That is really sad! Unfortunately, I think many people fall into this category. Too many people feel shame for no good reason; it’s like we have to apologise for being ourselves and the choices we make. If we are good people, we don’t harm anybody else and we add a little positive sparkle to this world, then we have succeeded. full stop. The rest is adventure, discovery and one big learning curve. What would be the point of getting old, if we had all the answers now? šŸ˜‰

        X

  9. Heartfully expressed …
    A soul that wanders does not mean it is a soul that is lost. A soul that wonders does not mean the soul is wonderless. I do believe God (Yahweh) knows each heart & the motives of each heart.

    Jeremiah 24:7
    I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.

  10. You walk with many a shiny soul. The journey is the journey. We search. We gallop. We surrender. We fall. We fly. We crash. We stumble again to our feet, wiping off the mud and the blood. Writing may eventually reveal to you who you am… At the very least, the discoveries you encounter along the way will intrigue you forward, no matter the shade of darkness or light awaiting. You know, ha-ha-haha, stayin alive. Strut with it. =;-)

  11. What an awesome post!
    It resonates with me so much.
    There’s definitely some kind of purpose that we’ve got on this earth and we can only fulfil that by letting our true voices be heared.
    We can’t keep mirroring others or living up to the designs, templates, ideals and expectations of others.
    We’ve got our own ideals and we’ve got our core. We are unique and it’s our difference from others that make us standout.
    I so much agree with you, we’ve got to be true to ourselves.
    Very well written.
    Cheers!

    • I’m glad it resonated with you šŸ™‚ Staying true to who we are should be the number one priority for us, but unfortunately it gets sacrificed far too easily for others expectations. If only only we could all see the easy truth..

      • I’m glad that there are still people like you that can dare to be original and even spur others to do same.
        Your post is so beautifully meaningful and I enjoyed every bit of the read.
        Keep up the good work!

  12. Bold writing. In a world filled with billions of people who forget that true happiness begins and ends with following your heart, your passions and living your life by your own standards. Not many will make the decision to do that. Keep writing. Great blog!

    • That’s very true. It’s funny how it takes guts to do something that should be so natural. And kinda sad obviously. Glad you like my writing though, thank you šŸ™‚

  13. When I was in my early to mid-thirties, I asked myself often, “What on earth am I doing here? It took me until I was 47 to find why I was alive.

    I feel your searching heart very much. Do you know, or have you heard the Gospel?

  14. I agree. I am trying so had to embrace myself and my dreams but I’m having to sort through the person I molded myself into for other people. Now that I’m actually starting to chase my dream (living in a travel trailer and being able to move around) I am more at peace with myself than I have been in a long time.

    Thank you for sharing your struggle with us.

    • I hope you achieve success in breaking the mould! And I’m glad you’re more at peace with yourself. It takes guts and time, but it’s worth it more than anything šŸ™‚

  15. Stepping out of the line…its a beautiful idea Cristian. I hope you find the courage and conviction to step out of the line. And I am sure you will find something beautiful on the way. Coz beauty afterall, is in the eye of the beholder. šŸ™‚ Stay beautiful!

  16. I can definitely relate to the heart/soul searching, and, one sojourner to another, I’ve found peace and satisfaction from belonging to Jesus. I can never claim to have all the answers, but He is and has been mine. Could he be what you want to believe? There is definitely beauty in you.

  17. Beautiful truth. It does appear that everything we see as beautiful ends up being painful or difficult to achieve: relationships, love itself, beautiful children, laughter, food, traveling, etc., all have another side to it that can bring pain. That’s been the experience of my own life, of other’s lives, and of many of my clients lives as well.

    It’s nice to be able to read and see that somebody else sees this just like me and so many other people with their eyes wide open. Keep it up.

  18. Doing your own thing and not following the crowd is a great way to live. Many dare not do it as they are afraid of potential criticism and ridicule, however once you train yourself to deal with such petty critics and brush them off, you become more confident inwardly and outwardly aswell. People begin to admire your strength of mind and you build charisma.

  19. Excellently written. I’ve always had similar feelings and ideals, but they go against the “blueprint” you described that that forms the consensus of how we are supposed to live our life. I come to know it as a wilderness within us that is gradually tamed by the constraints and conformity of society, hence my blog title. You’ve elucidated in one post a way of thinking I’ve been scrabbling to explain in many disjointed musings, so I applaud you for that!

    • I’m very happy you could relate to this post in such a way. It’s a shame how people start off with so many dreams, only for them to dwindle as they get older. We often become more practical and give up on what we felt we could once achieve, but once you make up your mind and decide to dedicate your life to your desires, there’s no stopping you. Artists are those who never gave up, and the reward for such dedication is priceless.

  20. Contradiction: the writer only writes with a belief that others will find pleasure in what he writes, any writer is a narcissist, yet, the writer isn’t writing from his ego (at least when he’s writing well), he’s writing from something within him that has no desire.
    I dig what you’ve dug.

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