She points at elephants as the blood from my gums tastes like metal. There are stars in the shape of an arrow; there are cigarettes that linger between itchy fingers. Smoke drifts through the window of her car and clings to our clothes, but the rush of night air soon takes it away. Headaches and beer. One-night stands that still shame me for being so human after so long. The sky is black. There are no deceivers, only those that are blind to what they have no knowledge of. Her vulva is alarming- it disarms like the taste of vanilla ice cream on a warm, summers afternoon. Cats climb trees, but not those that have chosen to tread a different path. Towns and cities suffer but pretend there was never a yesterday. As a child she smiled so beautifully- still does- only the world has changed. There is a darkness that never seemed there before, and no matter how much I try and stay on the bright side, the darkness goes deeper than anything else. It sinks like a ship, and just to think of all those ships that litter the ocean floor with stories to be told that remain forever unsaid. It reminds me of all those years I was silent. So passive and well-behaved. So happy with my head in the sand, and yet despite the words that now bubble within, I’ve wished so many times to return. It’s easier to be quiet- to lose yourself in apathy and self-preservation. It beats picking away day after day, and yet still we pick, despite how much it hurts, we keep going deeper. I miss laying next to her and not saying a word. I miss the harmony of not searching for meaning as she slept in my arms. To be quiet for just a moment. To be happy despite the evil that soaks us like rain. But the years get behind us, and no matter how hard we try, we keep on falling.
“The more I want to be me, the less I know myself
The living left to die while ghosts are brought to life”