The Writer

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Are we just animals raging on a rock that orbits a star shooting through space, or are we lovers wasting our lives on stuff that doesn’t even matter? Either way, I’d say we’re fucked. Smoking a cigarette watching others doing their best to fit in, a fight breaks out at the bar involving two guys dressed in their worst. Quarrelling over some dumb blonde with panda eyes, they rush outside and begin their dance. One of them even removes his top in some bizarre show of brute aggression. Mockingly applauding his efforts, I retreat to a safe distance as the two boneheads fall to the floor and writhe around. They’re supposed to be tough; supposed to be putting on a show, but the only one who’s impressed is some guy with one hand on his pint and the other sliding down his trousers. I want them to gauge each other’s eyes out, but before any serious harm occurs, their girlfriend’s interupt and put a stop to things. Such a dismal performance and one I’m sure is happening up and down the country in cities, towns, and everywhere in between. As I’m sipping my beer, I imagine how many women are on their backs thinking of someone other than the one attempting to fuck their brains out. So much lust and boredom being exhaled in the same breath. So many lives that pass out of existence as if they never even mattered. And perhaps they don’t. Perhaps the games we play have no meaning at all, and despite our best attempts, we’ll just fade out of view as if we weren’t even here to begin with. Estelle isn’t working tonight, so I don’t get the chance to ask her if she’s checked out Bukowski. She’s probably doing Ketamine somewhere while some guy spends the best part of the night trying to find her clit before passing out. The thought of it makes me shudder. Not her clit, but the same cheapened acts performed over and over again with no end in sight. Maybe that’s why I’m doing my best to avoid all contact with women, but at the same time I know I’m drifting further away, and isolation isn’t healthy at the best of times, specially not when you’re a writer. Ha! What a thought! No wonder all those ex-lovers tired of me. So delusional. So lost. But hey, it is what it is. I’m writing, and despite every fuck up, the words continue when so much else has come to a grinding halt.

A Journal for Damned Lovers on Amazon.co.uk 

A Journal for Damned Lovers on Amazon.com 

54 replies »

  1. It’s not permanent and celibacy does have its many merits, my friend 😉
    Some never learn to see the emptiness of the life you just described. Count your blessings, you are high above the rest. x

      • If I wrote all of my life experiences here, no one would believe them & I would probably be banned. 😉
        Embracing the emptiness takes great courage & sometimes it’s the only thing left. I promise, it will be worth it. I truly admire you for sharing so much of yourself. It’s inspiring. xo

      • Haha, I’m sure you would! I feel good you believe I’m on the right track. It gets lonely at times, but there’s no other choice, is there? It’s all about these choices we make, and figuring out why we made them in the first place X

      • so true. A life of emptiness even though surrounded by people isn’t the right kind of life or emptiness. I felt more lonely then, than I do now. You are on the right track if you feel it and your words touch so many. You have a fierce gift, my friend.
        Have a beautiful evening. 🙂

  2. Nothing wrong with being an observer for a while, it will strengthen you in the long wrong. The women will always be there, when you’re ready. The beginning of this was so funny – what a stupid pissing contest!

  3. I really loved this. It is captivatingly wonderful. Wish I had taken a break and really observed the world around me more. I just kept moving without really stopping to learn from any of it. I can look back now and see where I went wrong, but it would have been wiser to just pull back.

    • Thank you! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but as long as you’re doing the right thing now, then I’d say you’re doing it just okay. It’s taken me years to open my eyes, and I kick myself daily for not doing it sooner, but some go through life having never seen at all X

  4. Funny image of us, dragging knuckles as a giant rock hurtles, such abstractions but i relate more to them than angels and demons

  5. You, not of glow and stardust, you ensure because you have the wandering minstrals heart, packed with a Latino heart. It’s a heady brew and you’ll never go down because you’re what keeps the curtains up, the velvet plush, our eyes bright in want. Your journey really, has only just begun. Wasn’t it Jung who said, little of consequential occurs before we’re half way there? (50). Keep your fires hot, it’s a rosy big ahead my friend and I support you with every willow in my soul. Never ever change, just keep following the shadows and the shine♡. Your work is excellent.

  6. Always the doubt, but always you carry on with the path…I identify with that so much. I’ve said it to you so many times… but no matter how hard it gets and lonely as well, it’s the right thing to do, it’s the *only* thing to do, you have no choice in the matter, you are propelled by that flame that most people don’t have because they’re dead inside. So raw, and real, and truthful, you always blow my mind…isn’t that, if not better, at least as good as a fuck? This is what you’re doing with your writing, and it’s very much an exchange, isn’t it? it’s fucking, between writer and reader… and I don’t know about you but on my part, it’s been pretty amazing on numerous occasions over here.
    Yes, I have been at the wine and I’m being, maybe embarrassingly, honest, who fucking cares? not I 😉 x

  7. Okay, this is the second piece of writing I’ve read of yours and I’m already in love with your style and voice that you write in. Seriously amazinggggg. 🙂

  8. You’re spot on with the irony you know? Being a writer, you need to witness, be an audience, be a participant. Yet as a writeR, one can be easily disappointed by the monotony of existence. But the best thing you said was that despite everything else grinding to a halt the words keep flowing. Awesome!

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