She lies there crying in the dark. She twists and turns and one minute she’s with me and the next she’s far away. The window’s open. It’s cold, but the heating’s on. On her upper lip, there are beads of sweat I try wiping away with my thumb, but she goes and turns her back on me, so I think whatever and leave her to it. My desertion is cruel, but she brings it on herself, and if she won’t accept my love, then I’m going downstairs for a drink. In the kitchen, I raid the fridge and grab a beer before opening the back door and lighting a cigarette. She’s up there so distraught, and I’m down here becoming numb, and for a moment as I’m making out shapes in the smoke that’s drifting from out of my mouth up into the clouds, I think, fuck it. Is it me that’s in the wrong, or is it her? Am I uncaring, and or is that she’s too negative for her own good? Should go and be there for her, but there’s this part of me that wants to punish her for spurning my love, so I stay away. The hour’s pass and nothing happens other than me moving around in silence smoking and turning useless thoughts over in my head. It begins to rain, and the sound it makes as it hits the kitchen window temporarily eases my troubles. Going to her a little uneasy on my feet, I find she’s pulled off the duvet along with all the pillows and placed them on the floor. Searching for her in the darkness, I see her curled up by the wardrobe like some kind of animal. She’s sleeping, and she looks like a baby fox. When I wrap my arms around her, everything is okay, but by the time morning comes calling, I know we’ll be right back where we started.

A Journal for Damned Lovers on

A Journal for Damned Lovers on

18 replies »

  1. This reminded me of an old relationship of mine, but with the roles reversed. So hard, trying to be a mindreader.

    “Searching for her in the darkness, I see her curled up by the wardrobe like some kind of animal. She’s sleeping, and she looks like a baby fox.” – This really, really touched me. I felt for her. I felt for you too, but she sounds fragile so my heart went out to her.

    Beautiful x

    • Yeah, tell me about it.

      It’s strange to think back to certain moments. To flinch at the regrets and wish you’d done things differently. But although such moments bring pain, they also bring beauty, and that’s like gold dust.

      I’m so pleased you enjoyed it. Thank you x

      • Not one of my relationships ended traumatically, but I’ve had my share of heartache. I’ve learned something new from every single one though.

        I always enjoy your writing. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable or voyeuristic. Sometimes your words make me smile or they make me sad, but I have a reaction to everything you write. I think you know this by now, but I find myself compelled to tell you anyway. x

      • I think as long as we learn, that’s the most important thing. Some never do, and so they just keep repeating the same mistakes.

        I’m honoured that you do. As I talked about in my video, human interaction is everything to me. It’s why I put pen to paper, as I’m sure it must be for you, too. Thank you for brightening my day x

  2. Sometimes, you both need quiet time, because you are in love, and you think that spending every minute of your waking hour is what you’re supposed to do when you’re in love, and you’d misjudge, the importance of how the both of you still needed your own separate personal spaces.

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